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The Discovering of Religion

I tried the primal scream over and over again. I wanted to know, why there can be a change of my breath just by calling to Father and Mother.
I found the answer in religion and in my dreams. The dreams were the keys to understanding the bible in a way I never expected.
The "self" is the center. It is the heart and conscience. If I understand myself then I understand my parents and grand-parents. And if I believe in myself then I can believe in Jesus, Buddha and God. Thus, it is impossible to believe in God or Jesus and not in myself.

In a remote valley in the mountains (Steinebachtal near Bad Tölz) I went to waterfalls, where I tried the primal scream again and again. Under any circumstances, I wanted to know why crying out to father and mother changed my breathing.
Sometimes I stayed overnight in a barn at a small meadow. I counted my breaths: eight per minute. I consciously tried to breathe more slowly until I needed fifteen seconds to inhale and fifteen seconds to exhale. As it got colder I moved into the back of the barn where the hay protected me from the cold. Here I tried again and again to call out for my father and mother. I got no reaction any more. Finally I simply tried out all the words that came to me: Daddy, mommy, man, God, devil, I, fuck, heart, ... Of these words, I was most fascinated by the »I« and it was fun for me to go to the front of the barn and to fling gruesome, loud cries from deep within myself into the night skies: "I! - I!". Then I switched to "I am me! - I am me!" I repeated it several times, as if I were the only person in the world. The whole thing gave me a new confidence which I, until now, I didn't recognize. This new confidence was accomponied by several new insights.

Earlier, I liked my mother better than my father, because I thought she was more understanding and practical. I was proud of her, but not of my father, who seemed to be responsible for punishments and other unpleasant duties. Now my admiration of my mother has fallen to pieces. It was incomprehensible to me when my mother talked badly about my father. How did these condescending remarks fit in with her Christian belief?
If I say something bad about someone else, then actually it's me who is bad, because these bad thoughts come from within me. Even if we are harmed by someone, hate is an element in itself, which is not connected with another person.
The calling for the self (»I«) made me realize that everything stems from one's own heart and mind. I can love myself if I follow my own mind. And I can only love others when I love myself.
How can someone believe in God, but not in himself? That is impossible. Only when I believe in myself, can I then believe in my father, my grandfather, my ancestors and finally in God.

The call for the own self (»I«) was the recognition of the First Commandment "I am the Lord your God, you shall have no other Gods than me". Every person is a God; this is the message of the First Commandment. It calls for believing in oneself; for the following of one's own mind. Similarly, Jesus says the same with the sentence: "I am the way, the truth and the life", namely the one can only discover Jesus in oneself.
I have reached God through the primal scream. He exists only in one's heart and cannot be found outside oneself through theoretical thinking. The moment in which I called to my parents was as if I were calling to God the heavenly father: "Everyone who calls the name of Jaweh will be saved" (Joel 3.5).

Thick brushes are blocking my way. I barely managed to get through it. I think to myself how I hope I do not encounter any snakes. The forest ground feels increasingly spongy. Suddenly with the next step the ground gives way. I stagger and step into emptiness. Oh how terrible! I am falling downwards. Suddenly I feel like am plunged into water. When I come to the surface, I wonder why I didn't completely see the water before. It plays in different colors. It looks so strange to me. I think, the pond must have been invisible, hidden by the thick brushes. As I am a good swimmer, I easily make it to the opposite side.
On the other side sits a skeleton. I recognize it immediately as that of Wolfgang, a childhood friend who died in a deadly motorcycle accident. When I take a look back over the pond I see an oblong, cigarlike object moving through the water. I fear it is radioactiv and will explode, killing me.

In former dreams I fell down cliffs but mostly I woke up before striking the ground. Now in this dream I fell unexpectedly into water. I believe the fall into the water symbolizes the rebirthing I experienced with the primal scream. It reflects what happened during my first experience: The breathing in my breast fell with the scream down to my stomach. It is the same breathing progression newborns make when first utilizing the diaphragm outside of the mother's womb.
The change of breathing also transforms the spiritual mind. In other words, there can be no spiritual rebirth without a change of the breathing. As a born-again, I get confronted with the end of life: death.


A interesting link from the author with the experiences of life 40 years later: